The Hot Ten: Most Hilarious and Common Doorman Put-Downs

There’s nothing quite like the sting of doorman rejection. But let's face it, every dagger-tongued doorman’s got a humorous side. Sure, it’s still excruciating whenever one of these tall, stylish chaps – who’ll let everyone in they know, but keep almost everyone else they don’t out – kicks you to the proverbial curb, to feel unwanted. But for those of us still standing alongside those velvet ropes, awaiting our cue to enter the premises, it can be awfully amusing.

Some of New York’s doormen, with some of the put-downs we’ve heard over the years, should consider moonlighting as stand-ups. Here’s a list of the ten most hilarious, and most common, forms of doorman refusal:

10. The “Fashion Faux Pas” Put-Down: Always some scathing critique of your wardrobe (i.e.; “You can’t come in here dressed like that. Didn’t anyone tell you its black-pants season?”)

9. The “It’s Beyond My Control” Passing of the Buck: Usually some sort of, “It’s not up to me” or “We must abide by the fire code” excuse (i.e.; “It’s too crowded inside,” which is, without fail, followed with the doorman letting in a group of 20. It’s just a nice way of telling you if cool were food, you’d be a famine.)

8. The “Promises, Promises” Rejection: With this one, there’s the insinuation that at some point, you’ll indeed get into the club (i.e.; “Go wait at the back of the line, and I’ll come get you in a minute.” Isn’t it convenient how they’ll always forget they told you that?)

7. The “No Shoes, No Service” Rebuff: Often the most insulting of them all (i.e.; “Are you kidding me with those shoes? It looks like you’ve been kicking bums in the mouth all day with those things,” or “Sneakers? This isn’t Yankees spring training.”)

6. The “Fake ID Dis”: This one’s obvious (i.e.; “Did you get this ID at a plastic surgeon’s office?”)

5. The “Mission: Impossible” Denial: Here’s where the doorman’s willing to let you and whoever you’re with in, but under one very expensive condition (i.e.; “There’s a five bottle minimum for parties of two or more – you still want in?”)

4. The “Natural Selection Process”: You’ll be standing outside a club with six of your friends, but only some of you are deemed admittance fit (i.e.; “Alright, you, you, you, and you – in. You two? Better luck next week.”)

3. The “In Seven Days, Maybe” Excuse: Don’t you love when doormen tell you, “There’s no way I can do it tonight – come back next week, and I’ll see what I can do.” What’ll be so different, come seven nights from now?

2. The “Flat-Out Put-Down”: You’re offered no explanation as to why. You’re just told to “Step off the line.” You get nothing more – that’s just the way it’s got to be.

1. The “Stoic Statue Stance”: Perhaps the most annoying rejection. Instead of acknowledging you exist in the world, you get a vapid, cast-iron stare – the thinking here’s that, if the doorman ignores you, you’ll just go away. Ouch!